6 leadership lessons from raising teenagers

There are loads of differences between leading people and parenting teenagers. You certainly don’t want to get into parental mode leading grown-ass adults too often. 

But there are a few things that cross over. For starters, when it comes to leading teams and raising teenagers, both can be simultaneously brilliant and bewildering. And, funnily enough, there are approaches that work well for both teenagers and teams when it comes to building trust, guiding and developing. 

Disclaimer: although I’ve been a parent to three teenagers, and have the battle scars to prove it, I am no expert and most of these lessons I’ve learnt the hard way 😊

Here’s what we can borrow from parenting teens and apply to leading people in the workplace:

1. Identify their strengths (together) and help them to work more from them. 

When it comes to chores, my 16-year-old daughter is not a tidier. In fact, her superpower is messiness. Although we insist she do the bare minimum of tidying, getting her to cook dinner works far better than expecting her to sparkle all the surfaces. Cooking is a strength (she loves doing it and she’s good at it) so focussing on that brings less complaining and nagging. You’re unlikely to get a meal out of your team-mates, but the same principle applies. There’ll be less friction, more willing action and good things all round if you identify the things your team members are really good at and like doing - and direct more of their energies towards those things over time. See this blog for how to identify and work from your strengths  – and why it's beneficial for productivity and performance.

2. Listening is always good. 

We move into ‘tell mode’ and ‘lecture mode’ with teams and teens as quick as you can say “advice fountain”. Sometimes both are warranted. But we probably don’t do enough active listening. Listening is gold in both cases. Research by Harvard Business Review found that attentive and non-judgemental listening generates trust, helps people to feel more relaxed, and it increases self-awareness, creativity and co-operation as it lowers defensiveness. These are all things we could do with more of in our teams, as well as our families. 

3. Relationship first, instruction second. 

If I’m honest, it’s probably taken me until my third child to really realise how important this is. (Sorry Zach and Nicholas!) Trust and a solid relationship are the top priorities in leadership – and it’s same when it comes to parenting teens too. With teenagers, you’re not their friend and you shouldn’t aim to be, but you do want them to feel that they can come to you and tell you stuff. When it comes to people leadership, its similar. It’s not so much about being liked; it’s about being trusted and respected. You’ll be pushing sh#t uphill to influence either your team or your teen if you don’t focus on this first. Both take time and purposeful effort. When it comes to ways of building trust as a leader, see this blog.

4. Believe in their potential (even if they’re not demonstrating it right now). 

You might have heard the English proverb: “Mighty oaks from little acorns grow.” It’s integral we see (and believe in) the potential in both our teenagers and the people we lead. Bonus tip: make sure you tell them about the potential you see in them too! I wish I’d told my teenage sons more often about the great qualities and potential I saw in them when they were, well…being typical teenage boys (IYKYK).  They doubt themselves more than they let on and it turns out, many of us do, even as adults.  Having someone tell us they believe in our potential and what we’re capable of is pretty powerful. That doesn’t mean to say you don’t also have to put guardrails in or be clear about expectations. But letting people see their potential through your eyes is a great enabler.

5. Meet them where they’re at. 

This advice follows on closely from point 4.  It’s easy to get frustrated when we can see someone’s potential- and they’re not yet realising it. You want them to get to point B, and you get frustrated that they’re not there yet. Spend time understanding their fears, concerns, wishes and capabilities. Where are they now? How can you meet them there and take one step at a time (together)?

6. Feedback is important 

AND, helping them to self-reflect on their strengths and weaknesses is even more powerful.  I’ve noticed that when I ask my daughter “what did you think you did well?” and “anything you’d like a do-over on?”, her insights are usually incredibly wise and accurate. This approach is also more effective than if I praise her. According to this research outlined in HBR, the habit of reflection can separate extraordinary professionals from mediocre ones.

Whether we’re 15 or 50, the role of a compassionate and sturdy role model to mentor and support us to our full potential packs a big punch. And these 6 approaches are useful, whether we are managing a person at work or parenting our kids who are on the cusp of adulthood.